I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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