I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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