Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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