cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
