she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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