On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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