As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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