Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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