So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
