I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
