I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
