please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm just crazy horny about you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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