Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
as a side note pls kill me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
