He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
