There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
