Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
