we have pet lesbian snakes
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
