She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
