Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
