I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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