I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
