I didn't shave. On purpose
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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