my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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