Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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