i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
