look no pants
i think i have two assholes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
