he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This is classic penis vs brain.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
