at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
