you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
