Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
