I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
