there's paper in my vomit.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
