I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
