I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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