I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
