Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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