What did we do last night that was yellow?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
