Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
