I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
