I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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