Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
