Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
