He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
