Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
