a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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