Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
