It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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