I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
