dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
