dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
