Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
